"I Do Quite Like The Thought of a Goatbee": An Interview with Dethbert Jones


SERGEANT MEGATRON 5000: TODAY I AM SUPER-THRILLED TO BE JOINED BY DETHBERT JONES.

DETHBERT JONES: Thanks Sarge, I am super-thrilled to be here!

SERGEANT MEGATRON 5000: ONLY ONE OF US CAN BE SUPER-THRILLED OR THE EMOTIONS WILL CANCEL EACH OTHER OUT.

DETHBERT JONES: That's not how emotions work, but okay... I am super-smooshed to be here. Any better?

SERGEANT MEGATRON 5000: SATISFACTORY. MY FIRST QUESTION IS THIS: WHAT CAME FIRST, THE CHICKENSNAIL OR THE EGG?

DETHBERT JONES: That's an easy one. My dad created the only chickensnail in the known universe in his lab; so she came first.

SERGEANT MEGATRON 5000: IF YOU COULD CREATE THE ULTIMATE HYBRID CREATURE, WHAT PARTS WOULD IT CONTAIN?

DETHBERT JONES: Well of course I think my chickensnail Precious is the best possible hybrid, but I do quite like the thought of a goatbee.

SERGEANT MEGATRON 5000: WOULD IT STILL PRODUCE HONEY?

DETHBERT JONES: Honey flavoured cheese, perhaps?

SERGEANT MEGATRON 5000: DELIGHTFUL. NEXT QUESTION: OF THE MANY WONDERFUL BADGES AVAILABLE AT SPACE CADETS, WHICH ONE DO YOU CONSIDER THE MOST DIFFICULT TO EARN?

DETHBERT JONES: Definitely 'Cosmic Crowdsurfer'. You have to be performing at a concert AND be so popular that leaping off stage will not result in the audience quickly moving out of your way.

SERGEANT MEGATRON 5000: INDEED. SHOUT OUT TO STOMPY BATES—ONLY FOUR MORE WEEKS UNTIL HIS FULL-BODY CAST IS REMOVED. FINALLY, IF SOMEONE WROTE A BOOK ABOUT YOU, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DESCRIBED?

DETHBERT JONES: Courageous of course. Also strong, handsome, intelligent, witty, talented … SERGEANT MEGATRON 5000: UNFORTUNATELY WE HAVE RUN OUT OF TIME [AND PATIENCE] SO WILL HAVE TO LEAVE IT THERE. THANK YOU FOR JOINING ME.

DETHBERT JONES: … friendly, engaging, lovable …

SERGEANT MEGATRON 5000: DON'T FORGET HUMBLE, DETHBERT JONES.

THIS CONCLUDES MY INTERVIEW SUB-ROUTINE. IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT LIFEFORMS [AND ROBOTS] ON PLANET CRANK, BUY THE BOOK.

Dear Earthling: Cosmic Correspondent will be available on December 3, 2018. Pre-order your copy now!

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